Friday, October 9, 2009

Oh dear Jeans

Dear Mr. blue jeans manufacturer/designer,

And I call you Mr. because obviously you are a man. A man who does not have curves, and does not understand the make up of the female form. Especially of the large female form.

See, sir, a woman has curves. You know, roundy parts, plump parts, parts that stick out farther than others. Otherwise know as the tush, booty, arse, back (as in "baby's got"), and butt. Now, I should commend you on your current use of the "stretch" fabrics on the market today. That is wonderful, and considerably more comfortable than non-stretch forms of jeanswear. It certainly helps in other areas you have not accounted for, such as thighs, or for some, those grossly huge calves. Much to my dismay, however, you seem to have forgotton one thing: what stretches out, doesn't always come back in. It's stretch, it's not elastic.

In the case of blue jeans, this poses a problem when, after wearing for about 6 hours, the jeans do not stretch back, and immediately start their descent down one's backside. A teenage boy might find this feature "totally hawt." A thirty something woman, married mother of many, does NOT want her arse hanging out for all the world to see. After multiple episodes of childbirth, followed by months that could be counted in years spent sitting on that deliscious posterior while breastfeeding child after child, the rumpus becomes quite a bumpus. And while it's nice to have that stretch factor in jeans to save oneself from having to go purchase more clothing we don't want (only because it would need to be a size or twenty larger than we would like) the stretch is now working against us.

And herein lies the main problem with your jeans. YOU NEED MORE THAN ONE FREAKIN' BELT LOOP IN THE BACK.

Maybe you are unfamiliar with how a belt works. Let me explain. Though it can be purely decorative in purpose, occasionally belts actually are needed for holding up one's pants. This creates a cinching effect. If there is only one lousy belt loop in the back, the belt goes right up over the top of the jeans, making them wildly uncomfortable, and absolutely ridiculous looking.

So, may I personally request the addition of at least 2 more belt loops, or at minimun one with a repositioning of the second, to any jeans you plan to make in the future. This will make the jeans more practical for those bootyliscious mamas like myself. It will also help keep my children from placing their fingers or dropping toys down my butt crack while changing the littlest tot's diaper, since the top of my pants is riding somewhere below the moon. (No, moo-ing, people.)

Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.


Big Booty Mama.

1 comment:

  1. Oh my GOSH I LOVED this sooo much! If this was a form letter to the manufacturers I would SO be signing it right now! You took the words right out of my mouth! Priceless, from a fellow blue jeans no longer fit my stretched out by the baby behind.