Thursday, October 22, 2009

How scary am I?

VERY SCARY! And I'm not talking about Halloween masks, here.
What is a Scary Mommy, you ask? I believe a Scary Mommy is a mother who doesn’t leave the house wearing lipstick at all times. A Scary Mommy loves her kids to death, but will admit to feeling totally overwhelmed and exhausted by the gig. A Scary Mommy doesn’t really care what other people think, and a Scary Mommy thinks that all mothers win when we admit our weaknesses. How would you describe it? It’s up to you!
I stole that from Scary Mommy's blog. She's having a Scary Mommy contest. But I'm not doing this for the contest. I actually don't really like contests or giveaways, because I never win and it's just one more thing to "fail" at. But I do like good ideas, blog ideas, ways to bitch complain about my life and make it seem funny. Because sometimes, a girl just needs to complain. I feel a little bit better by telling you all how worthless I am as a human and parent. It's kind of a confessional, and it's good to get it off my chest. I am very much a verbal processer. And I'm crabby today. (Or, at least I was when I wrote this the first time. It has now been edited to take out the, um, edge, and refashioned in a "Not Me" sort of way. Just in case this would ever get into the, ahem, wrong hands.)

Can I just say it's a good thing none of my family members ever read my blog. They would be mortified. And I would hear about it.

Here are just a few ways I have been less than perfect... today. Or at least this week. But mostly today. Except for the underwear bit.

And ladies, if you know me *IRL, this NEVER happened. Cuz if the cops come knocking on my door, I'll be shooting yours down!... Kidding.   *In real life

  • I have never had to give a child a spanking before school.
  • I have never started yelling before I was even out of bed, much less down stairs.
  • I have never left a baby, unattended, in a high chair so he would quit bugging me / stop climbing on me / so I could get away from the crying / so I could get some work done / so I could be on FB. For an hour.
  • I have never left some children at home, while I took others to school (which because it's only 5 blocks away would mean I'd be gone about 5-6 minutes). My husband may or may not be at home during these times. Sleeping.
  • I have never forgotten to change my underwear. Or put on deodorant. Or brush my teeth. None of these would be regular occurances, especially not the last two.
  • I have never had the cops called on me for leaving my children in the car. And for the record, the stupid idiot who called in actually had the audacity to tell the cop that I really had only been gone for 2-3 minutes, but that they were still concerned. Well, if that would have actually happened. Which of coarse it didn't.
  • I have never yelled at my child that he "WILL go to school like it or not," and then cried (secretly) moments later when, with crocodile tears, he said he "wasn't any good at doing those papers." Something like that would not break my heart.
  • I have never told off a pediatrician (not mine) that he didn't know the history of my child and I didn't feel bad about the decision to delay vacc's, and that is NOT why my child is sick with a cold. And that you don't knock a mother's instinct. He did not just then shut up.
  • I do not have a problem with piles. You will find no piles in my home. All surfaces are crisp, clean, crap and dust free. Wait. What's dust again?
  • We never live out of piles of (folded) laundry on the couch, dryer, and clothes basket.
  • I mop regularly, and I fully believe that it's not done right if it's not done on hands and knees (*snort* yeah, whatEVER!). I would never resort to a Swiffer WetJet just so it looked clean.
  • I don't avoid crafts so that I can avoid the extra cleanup.
  • I have never wanted to own a BB gun for the sole purpose of shooting at passing motorcyclists who wake up sleeping babies with their loud pipes.
  • I never forget to brush my daughters' hair. They beg me every day to brush it and put in ponies and I deny them. To end all our torture, we have all not decided that just cutting it off would be the best way to go.
  • I have never had my friend walk into my house while I was missing pants or shirt or both, seeing me in all my fat, shameless glory. I do not love her because she still loves me anyway. And brings me presents.
  • I do not need some serious inspiration as 'keeper of the home.' I am full of drive to make my home the best it can be. I am passionate about taking the utmost care of my family. I have not thought about getting a job just so I could pay someone else to come clean my house, even if my job was cleaning someone else's.
  • I do not regularly spend the day just so overwhelmed with fighting, tantrums and crying that I do essentially nothing (productive), then race the last 15 minutes before hubby gets home making it look like I did something.

I love my children, and I love my husband, but there is certainly a lack of understanding of how hard this job exactly is. How endless and demanding, how selfless you need to be. How it feels to put everyone else first, yourself last, how you can never really "get away." No, I don't have his job. And it's a tough one, for sure. I just wish I could "take a day off" sometimes. The thing is, I do miss them when I'm gone (eventually).

But while I'm here, I can be







  1. Uh, yeah, pretty sure I can relate to EVERY single one of those points (well, except for maybe the motorcycle one). Except I've never had the cops called on me when I've left my kids in the car (seriously, who's gonna drag 4 kids into the gas station for a gallon of milk?).

  2. Oh, I would never, ever do those things. No way, not me. Never.

    (But, I totally have. Almost all of them. ;))