Thursday, February 17, 2011


Dear God in Heaven, child. Why must you keep on crying? I understand you could be not feeling well, or are teething, or hungry, or tired, never mind that I've given you medicine, teething tablets, tried to nap you and fed you till my teats fell off. Might I remind you I am also not feeling well, what with the body aches, violent cough and now stress incontinence. I really do appreciate your distress as I am feeling something of the same in having to carry you for yet another hour of this already very long (it seems) day. And while I know you love and need me, and I certainly love and want you, I also have my own needs, one of which includes PUTTING YOU DOWN.

I'm sorry if it breaks your heart for me to do this, and frankly, sometimes, with your pouty little lip and that oh so very sad it brings tears to my eyes cry you sometimes do, it breaks mine too, but do this I must. Because, you see, well, you need to learn to exist separately from me, be it only for 15 minutes a day. Some day you will thank me for that. Team sports and dating will be more enjoyable that way. Also, you need to learn to calm your bad self down, because really, those cries that sound like a screeching cat are really most unpleasant for the rest of us, and I will not always be there to thrust a boob in your face to make it all better. Plus, at some point in time you will get married, and your wife might disapprove of me still breastfeeding you.

So for the love of everything sacred and holy, find a thumb, a pretty spot on the wall, a corner of your blankie, or the underside of your eyelids - something besides me - to bring you peace and comfort. You're much to young to know that babies rule the house, and I must try and exert my power as woman of this household and ruler of all things mommy in this domain. So consider yourself informed, warned, schooled, whatever. Just... be QUIET! Because for the next 20 minutes, I will not be picking you up. Thank you.

Ok. You win. 10 minutes.

Or.. well, I could do five, I guess.


  1. This is clearly the funniest and most precious thing I've ever read. My spouse agrees and you get the mommyjournalism award for today. Keep writing!!!!