Friday, June 11, 2010

The post in which I step onto a soapbox for a minute or ten

How would you feel if your husband asked if there was anything he could pray for for you? If he asked you what was important to you, what he did that made you feel loved and valued, and then made doing those things a little extra priority for a few weeks? Made you supper? Would you get mad and think he was crazy for offering you some time alone? a trip to the spa? three minutes to pee and/or shower... by yourself? Personally I would fall over faint and pee myself in excitement that he finally got a clue. Or sing the halleluja chorus that God finally hit him with that bolt of lightening I've been praying for.

My hubs is a good man, but he is rather clueless in the "how to pamper your wife" category.

So there's this blog I read. I'm not sure why. I think the swearing is a bit much (an f-bomb better have good reason, imo), I don't really relate to her as a person/mother, and a miriad of other things. Maybe she's funny? For some reason, I keep reading. This may not last long.

Today's post was a very sarcastic response to some other blog post challenge. I'm not a person who thinks everyone must agree, that one thing is good for all people. I have my reasons for my beliefs/values/opinions, you have yours. Fine. As long as you can be civil, we can remain friends. We can even talk about it.

This is so. not. civil. Frankly, it got me riled. Well, mostly the comments did. (Not too bad, but certainly irritated enough to write my own post about it.) Her post was not nearly as offensive as her commentors.

(Recap, if you don't want to read those other posts, the challenge was from a biblical standpoint of loving and honoring your husband by fasting and praying, asking and doing things that are important to him, cook his favorite meals, talk of the future and support his vision, show him respect. The response was a sarcastic "oh yeah, that'd be great!" followed with comments of followers who mocked it.)

I hate, loathe, abhor the misconceptions people have of Christians, of what the bible says, and the attitude that I'm an idiot for believing in it. Cuz peeps, I ain't. Then there's the lovely set who "listen" and only hear what they want to hear, then criticize and mock, out of their own ignorance, again with the stance that I'm the moron.

The "I just threw up on my mouth," "My husband would admit me to a mental health hospital if I started doing these things," "If I asked my husband how I could best serve him I don’t know what would come first, a crack about oral sex or him questioning my sanity. Um, yeah. My husband prefers being married to an equal, not a servant," or calling it "disturbed" are bashing comments. Not for you? Fine. But now you're being judgemental and ridiculing someone else's convictions, about making her marriage better, for heaven sakes. If I, as a Christian, were to come on your blog and bash your tales of husband bashing or comment on how much you suck as a parent, there would be lawsuits and attacks faster than you coul blink. I was personally offended by reading those things.

Submit should not be a dirty word. We ALL do it. If you have a job, you submit to your boss and his/her way of thinking. If you are even a semi-law abiding citizen, you submit to the laws of this country. It means to be willingly under authority. It is not an invitation for your husband to abuse you, it does not mean you can't think for yourself. Nor does it mean he has all control. Really, it's a relief. You're taking all that stress and responsibility off your own shoulders, and saying, "you know what babe, I'll let you take care of those decisions." You'd have to be stupid NOT to want to do that. Sure, sometimes you are not always going to agree with how things are done. Sometimes, the wrong (gasp, oh yeah) choice will be made. But hey, we ALL MAKE WRONG CHOICES NOW AND THEN. Only this time, you're not the one to say, "dang, I screwed up." You're not the one who looks bad. And you still have a voice. You can still express your opinion about how you think things should go. You're just leaving the final decision up to your husband. You trust that he is going to make the best decision he knows how for your family.

And since when is giving your husband a little extra love, support, encouragement, and/or pampering "serving" him like a slave? Don't you love him? Don't you want him to feel loved by you? HELLO LADIES! Good secret of how to keep your man... Let him feel respected and valued by you! Followed with plenty of, ahem, lovin'.

We have some friends who recently witnessed a situation where a husband asked his wife to heat up some cold chicken from the fridge for him. Our friend's wife was essentially outraged. Her opinion was that this request was absolutely disrespectful to the wife and the husband should get his own damned chicken. Apparently, she has gone on and one about this for a while. Her husband, however, is getting his feelings hurt. He does a lot in their home - takes the kids, cooks, works, buys her ridiculously priced jewelry (considering their economic status), does whatever she demands asks. I feel bad for the guy. I would get my feelings hurt too. The thought of, am I not good enough, does she not love me enough to want to do something nice for me? I imagine would come to mind. Maybe not. I'm not a man and couldn't even try to think like one. But men like to be pampered, too. They like to know their wives are caring for them, as much as they are caring for the kids, tending the house, and painting their toenails. They like to feel like they are the king of their castle, sometimes. Don't you want to feel like a queen?

So going the extra mile for your spouse is not "one sided" because you are forced to. It's because you want to. It's not an indication that you are cuckoo or stupid or whatever. It doesn't mean that you are not "equals" as so many feel it's important to be. It just means that you are going the extra mile for the sake of someone else's happiness, which could lead to some happiness recieved on your end.

PS. No one's asking you to subscribe to biblical principles if you don't agree. They work, but you can run your marriage however you like. Just don't bash the way I might want to do things. I'm not married to you or your husband, so you can do whatever you like.

**and she steps down... for now**

Also, I'll just leave you with this site.


  1. Very good post ...

    There are three points some people normally forget (me included) and which I find valuable to keep in mind:

    1.- We are not equal, but equivalent. This means we should be valued the same way but treated according our characteristics (needs/beliefs/uses/idiosyncrasy).

    2.- You get more when you give than when you keep. Sharing, and giving is very important and should be done but wisely. Try to share and give as much as you can but don't keep giving to whoever doesn't deserve and earn it. As my grandfather used to say "Manos que no dais, ¿que esperais?".

    3.- Loving someone needs a good amount of trust. First one you need to trust is yourself, this will give you the power to trust and help others. If you can't trust yourself you can't simply love anyone. This is what my grandfather used to call "Amor Propio", is like self esteem, but a bit deeper.

  2. EXACTLY!!!

    Thank you for commenting (as clearly no one else does). Thank you for the content of your comments.

    1. That we are not equal but equivalent - such a great way to put it. I don't want to marry myself, I want someone who complements and/or challenges me, who adds interest to my life. Not who is so predictable that it's boring.

    2. I think people forget, or maybe haven't really experience, they joy THEY get from giving to others. That's why people give to the poor/homeless/destitute (think tsunamis and earthquakes), it's why they help out with community organizations, it's why people become nurses and social workers and teachers. It's also what keeps good marriages alive. People just get caught up in their own stigma of words like "submit" and "serve" that they fail to understand the *real* meaning of those words. I do have to say there are times when you may have the choice of whether to keep helping someone who doesn't deserve/earn it. Then you have to decide why you are giving, if it is really of true value to the other, how much it "costs" you, and if that price is worth it.

    3. Yes, to truly love someone else, you need to be able to love, and trust, yourself. And you also need to be able to trust them. Even then, it's still a risk, but a good one.

  3. I love it, and totally agree!! Have a great day.

  4. Great post Kelly! It is such a needed voice out there. I just had dinner with a girlfriend my age and we both said we feel sometimes alone because we don't want to go out with our other peers and bash our husbands. Why is that such a sport? Sure, I've had the funny story with him in it here and there to share, but never at my husbands expense.

    The other thing I like to think that we were created a as a helper. In Genesis 2:18 Then the LORD God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him." & 21 So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh; 22 and the rib which the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man.

    I like to think we are God's gift to man (Hahah that sounds funny). God presented us to men so that he has a companion. I am lucky to have a husband who treats me as a gift: treasures me, takes care of me, and writes his "Thank You" card to God for me. hehe And I treat him with respect, honor, and love (not just in return, but proactively...or at least I try to). I think some women are happy to give when they have received FIRST. But to be honest...that doesn't work!

    Love it! Thanks Kelly! And congratulations on another monkey?!?!
    Bri Miller