I feel a bit guilty that I am not enjoying my children. That I don't enjoy them all day everyday, or even most of the day some days. I'm very caught up in the work of it all, and I'm forgetting to see the sunshine. I fail to frolic and giggle and notice the grass grow (or the snow pile up, as is the case). Most of the time. Which is a shame, really. And I know this. I know I'll get old and wish I had just paused more, enjoyed more. But I don't.
This too shall pass, this strange and difficult season of my life. Eventually I'll get my rear in gear, climb out of the funk, find some fun. I'm working on it, but I haven't quite figured it out. I'll get there.
I have been struggling of late with the concept of Bold Blogging (for at least two reasons), which seems to have caught like wildfire in certain circles of the bloggysphere. Showing your real life, your real struggles, and not living behind some facade of unrealistic mommy perfection. Anyone who knows me would probably be surprised that I am struggling with the concept of "being bold." My name means "Bold Warrior." It is not ill-fitting. In fact, I can be too bold, too forthcoming, too in-your-face, too here's-my-opinion. I have spent a good portion of my life learning how to temper myself in that way. I have caused myself problems in family relationships, work situations, and very possibly with friendships (though I can't think of any specific examples of that at the moment). It was (and is) a hard lesson to learn that not everyone needs to know what I think or my opinion. Being truthful can be hurtful. In everything we need to have grace and love. Apparently. ;)
Another of my wonderful characteristics is that I can be melancholy. Pessamistic. Critical. Complainer. Ok, that's more than one, but they sort of all mush into one big negative crap-ball. And my fall/winter has been shadowed by a sort of dismal, hormonal, melancholic state. Yuck. Really, yuck. I find myself complaining more. I have a harder time smiling, having fun, relaxing, enjoying life, seeing the beauty and blessings before me. Who wants to hear about that? Certainly not me. I don't even feel better when I write about it. More than once I have started a blog post and erased the whole darn thing because I felt guilty about spreading my doom and gloom. The world doesn't need more of that. That's not who I want to be. So I challenged myself to find beauty and blessings with my I Love Mondays posts. It was hard. It is hard. I haven't given it up. I just have found it hard to delight in something more than my blue coffee mugs and my own private bedroom with a door. I need to try harder.
I am generally a pretty transparent person, and I'm sure I share too much about myself IRL*. But to wage war against my negative side, I need to spend my time pursuing the good, the encouraging, the fun.
Phillippians 4:8 Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.
I need to remind myself of the exciting and amusing side of my life, the blessings which I have, and not more time dwelling on the stuff that's churning inside the walls of my heart. If you really want to know me, I'm completely open to friendship, and I'll be happy to bare it all there. I'm not scared of being bold. I'm being responsible with my less admirable parts.
*Praise The Lord
*In Real Life
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