Friday, November 4, 2011

Let's talk about $ex, bay-bee!

I stumbled upon a new blog. Wow. It's good. But... (or rather, yeah!)... it talks about $ex.

You maybe thinking, but this (All My Monkeys) is a blog about a mom and her kids. Yep. It is. But guess what... there's $EX in this world. And if as a parent we don't think about $ex in relation to parenting our children, we're gonna be in big trouble. Fortunately, for the children I am parenting, I don't have to deal with this issue too much. Yet. thank. god. But it scares the livin' daylights out of me how to communicate about all that is out there, being fed to them, so that they don't get hurt, make (huge) mistakes, or become victims of something they weren't ready for. I know my kids will make mistakes and get hurt and experience things I'm they're not ready for, but I still would like to equip them enough so that their mistakes are more calculated, not so bad, not so dangerous, not so damaging, those mistakes. As a parent, I want to remain realistic about what is likely, setting standards or expectations for them that communicate that they are worth more, maintain realistic expectations as a parent as they make their own choices, and unconditionally loving them if/when they do make choices that I opine are bad.

I don't think my parents really talked to me about that stuff. 

How do I have that dialogue, how and when to start that dialogue, with my kids?

I made lots of mistakes. I am not innocent. Do I tell my kids that? Or does it give them license to go and do... because mom/dad did?

I remember being a little kid and wanting to be $exy. I remember wanting to shave my legs at age 4 or 5, and sitting in my backyard with scissors, cutting my leg hair, because it was "gross" or "ugly." How at such a tender age did I get that opinion?

So far, I do know that one of my daughters has already had thoughts about things being romantic, of kissing boys, of boyfriends, of being in love. At least, so much as I can interpret her non-verbalized actions.

My heart aches and I become nauseous (in my gut) by the influence of social media and culture on kids, because I know of it's harm. Little kids, big kids, bigger kids, adults. The $exual imagery, the influence, the distortion, the total lack of reality... it's gross. Posts on Twitter, Facebook, blogs, etc. by kids under 18 reveal a romanticized, crude, view on life and love and $ex. It's almost like a drug, their yearning for it, how they obsess about it, longing for a someone to love and hold them, to arouse them. It makes me sad. There's so much more to life than $ex. Love is not all romance. In fact, love is not about romance at all, but that's another post in itself. 

The best thing you can do is LOVE YOURSELF.

I don't mean this in a conceited kind of way. I mean, in how you treat yourself, how you expect others to treat you, in the kinds of crap you put up with, the way you let people talk to you, the way you talk to you.

This is where "I am a child of the Living God" is a really good thing to know. Not just know, but  k n o w . Know that He thinks you're worth more than you ever will. Know that He doesn't judge the outside - He always thinks you're beautiful. Know that, even though He knows all about your ugly side, He loves you anyway

While these are heavy issues to contemplate, I don't think it's inappropriate for me to be thinking of them. I want to be ready. Prepared. 

So the post that got this all thinking was actually about pornography, but the definition of "p0rnography" could be widened to include a lot of what is out there, in magazines, online, on tv. Shows like Jersey Shore, Skins, heck, even Toddlers and Tiaras, are about selling something to people who can't handle it. Kids.

I have friends and relatives who have or have had p0rn as a larger element in their life. A negative element. People I love, wounded by this yuckiness.

I know kids who take in too much "information" for their tender brains to deal with, and I wonder, who is shielding them?

Why are teenage girls posting pics of $exy girls (themselves or other, but especially of themselves) on their own website? Why do 10 yrs olds think they need a girlfriend? Or boyfriend? Ten year olds should not have a "marital" status on Facebook.

There are so many distortions, lies, that are sold to us in this stuff.

So this is the post that had me wowed, which got the wheels turning here, that spawned all this blather.

I wish that 10 years ago someone had educated me on p0rnography. What it is, what it does, and what it reaches in and destroys in the hearts, minds and bodies of men and women.
I wish that someone would have told me that researchers have proven it sabotages your $ex life.
I wish someone would have explained how dopamine, the chemical that is released every time you experience pleasure, drives you to return to what provided that feeling before.
I wish someone would have told me that the kind of pornography you’re most turned on by is usually linked to a corresponding hurtful event in your life, further injuring your brokenness.
I wish someone would have told me pornography would normalize things I wasn’t emotionally or physically ready to handle in my relationships with men, making me feel like I had no options or control over my sex life, filling me with much regret.
I wish someone would have told me I would begin to objectify men, build up images in my mind, and think of $ex day in and day out, to the point where I couldn’t remain focused on anything else.
I wish someone would have told me it would make me feel less valuable to men, and bring up insecurities for years in the bedroom.
I wish someone would have pointed out pornography establishes your sexuaIity completely apart from real-life relationships, causing huge problems in your intimacy with real significant others.
I wish someone would have explained what “$exual anorexia” was and that countless young men are unable to get erect!ons because they’ve been watching porn since they were around 14 years old.
I wish someone would have told all the men I’ve dated that the porn they are watching is keeping them from being turned on by me, ultimately destroying our relationship.
I wish someone would have told me that the dopamine and oxytocin being released from my watching certain types of pornography would cause me to question my $exual orientation, which in turn cost me relationships with friends.
excerpt from ask lauren, etc.

I read somewhere recently that the average age for boys to be introduced to pornography used to be (in the 90's?) 13. Now it's age 8, and it's not just boys anymore. My son is almost 8.

I don't want my kids to have their ($ex) life defined by this. It's so not reality. Or rather, it's not a healthy reality. Unfortunately for some, it is their reality.

Do you have a plan for talking to you kids about $ex?


  1. Hey Kelly -

    I have heard a lot of good stuff from Family Life Today on this topic. I haven't read anything recently, but if you're looking for resources, here are a couple of pages to check out:


  2. Thanks for making me think about this topic. My oldest is 10. I'm going to go throw up now ;) SO NOT READY!!

  3. @Mo 'Betta

    I know! That's how I feel, too, especially when I come upon a blog that is clearly of a teen/college age student, and it's one gross pic after another that sells sex and sexuality. I'm not ready either, but I need to get started.

  4. @Andrea Brinkert

    Thanks Andrea. That's my next step, is looking into, and accumulating, a list of resources.