Unexpected outcomes

I have had the amazing experience lately of watching my girls. Something's changed.

Normally you would think of summer being filled with friends and fun. While I did my best to create fun times this summer, it would not be honest to paint any kind of rosy picture of what our summer looked like. I'm not entirely sure why, but that's another post to ponder. (and to ponder later - I'm still recovering from all the madness.)

We live in a great small town where kids can freely "roam" and play, and I don't really worry about their safety. The roads don't see a ton of traffic, there are no drive-by shootings or dealers on street corners. Everybody knows most everybody (except me, I don't know anyone). You'd think this would be a great recipe for hanging out with friends, but small towns also tend to be part of consolidated school districts and rural living so alas, most of my kids' friends don't actually live in our town. For the girls, they do have friends close by, but various circumstances and schedule conflicts prevented them from playing together very often. This, by default, left my girls forced to play with each other. They had to find companionship right here at home. 

For someone who never had a sister, this sounds like a dream, but things haven't always been smooth between the two of them, mostly due to the odd jealousy of the older one. She didn't like being copied (idolized) or having to share her space (the air she breathed), her interests (anything girly), her tastes (right down to not having the same kind of fruit or sandwich at lunch), the color pink, or even her outgrown clothing. And she most certainly didn't want to have to play with her. Oh, the horror! I suppose this is the bi-product of the two-year age gap. But like it or not, there's a sister and she just had to get over it. We were constantly talking to her about their relationship and her (less than stellar) treatment of her younger sibling. I'm not sure if it ever made any difference.

Imagine my surprise when I would wake up summer mornings to hear them laughing together, before they were even out of bed. More and more often they would play games or dress-up, make up dances or whatever imaginary fun they were having, and there would be much less bossing around, much more camaraderie and sharing, and much, much more love. It has made my mama-heart swell to see my girls becoming friends. I love love love seeing that they enjoy being together, having their own special secrets, seeing kindness reciprocated, standing up for one another, and the list goes on. You're sisters for life. Isn't it so much better if you're friends, too?

If this is the one good thing to come out of this summer (ok, there was more than one good thing, but there were plenty of challenges that tipped the scales), then I would say this summer was a success. I realize that there may be ups and downs, as there are in any relationship, but to see the upside FINALLY come - basically for the first time - has been wonderful.

And in case you were wondering, my girls have deemed September 25th Annual Sisters Day, forevermore. Let the giggling and bad eyeliner sharing begin.

Conspiring

To say that parenting has been challenging this summer would be an understatement of the century. In my experience with kids, there's that summer "initiation" process of new rules, new boundaries, who can do what that they couldn't do last summer, extra freedom, and always ALWAYS pushing of the envelope. Yeah, that just hasn't ever ended this summer. Add to that some other lovely behaviors (some of which could be traced back to mine - dontcha just looooove it when your kids mirror you??? It's fan-freaking-tabulous), negative attention getters, terrible two's tantrums (again with the mirror here), and problems of epic proportions with neighborhood children... uffda. I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

I've been trying to keep it fun with activities like dance classes, swimming lessons, tae kwondo, picnics, parks, ets. But with all the driving (and bickering from the backseat), I need a break. It'll have to wait til September 5th when school starts. 

Long story short, I get to the end of the day, (or sometimes the middle of the day, or, other days I make it til mid morning) and just don't think I will make it, that I'm not cut out to be a parent, that I'm screwing my kids up more than helping them grow. And sadly, I often times get to the point that I really even have a hard time enjoying them. I work at it, because that makes me feel bad, but a lot of times I'd just rather flee. I don't want hugs, or bedtime stories, I'd rather they pee out the window than to come downstairs so I have to see/hear/deal with them one more second or 90. 

Tonight was one such night. The whining, complaining, pestering, hitting, etc had caused a general overload of my senses and my parenting abilities. Actually, these happen often.

What I usually do is eat, think about intoxicating myself - though mostly I think that just thinking about drinking is enough of a stress reliever that I don't actually have to do it and then deal with the morning after bit - and vedge out on FB. It's a FB and chocolate night tonight.

I'm sure I could be so much more productive during this time to make my life easier for the rest of the time, but that's some wishful thinking at this point. I'm decompressing. And tonight, FB conspired to make me cry. Dangnabit! (Crying, btw, is a great decompressor.) But... in such a good way.

I watched this video (or actually, one that was set to "My Redeemer Lives" but I can't find that one and MercyMe gets the job done too). Then this one. So as I was sobbing away, and continuing thru my FB feed, a friend posted this one of her son. 

So from these videos and songs, this is what I took away:

• "I know my Redeemer lives. The very same god who spins things in orbit, runs to the weary, the worn and the weak. And the same gentle hands that hold me when I'm broken, they conquered death to bring me victory. And I know, my redeemer lives." - Nicole C. Mullins
• "I can only imagine what it will be like, when I walk, By your side, I can only imagine, What my eyes will see, when your face, is before me. I can only imagine. Surrounded by your glory, what will my heart feel, will I dance for you Jesus, or in awe of you be still, will I stand in your presence, or to my knees will I fall, Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all?" -MercyMe
• A video of a man who loved his son so much, who sacrificed, and worked, and I'm guessing he never complained or grumbled about it but instead felt honored to be able to do so. Something I certainly can't boast of.
• The shining, exhilarated face of a man crippled and disfigured with cerebral palsy who was ALIVE, happily so, on a race he couldn't run/swim/bike himself but who lives with the motto "I CAN." His video ended with the scripture, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13
• And as the tears are streaming down my face, having been reminded that HE strengthens me, and that I CAN be a good parent, through Him, I watched the last video of another sweet, special needs boy (I think he's about 10 yrs old?), who himself was moved to tears by the song, the sentiment, the haunting emotion of the song "Halleluja."  "And even though, it all went wrong, I'll stand before the Lord of Song with nothing on my tongue but Halleluja...." - Leonard Cohen.

Halleluja, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Thank GOD that He does. Because otherwise where would I be? Thank God that He and FB conspired against me, made me cry, made me take a deep breathe and release a whole lotta pent up anger and frustration, spoke to me that He has my back, and my front, and up, down and side, humbled me, and gave me the ability to say, I'll try again tomorrow. I'll love them a little more tomorrow.

And may I just say, parents of special needs kids have gifts I don't have. More than just a special kid, but a special capacity to love that I'm not sure I'm capable of. It blesses and humbles me to know such people. 

God Bless.