Selfish Mommy

I'm having one of those parenting moments where I feel truly selfish. And yet, I feel justified, 

and HORRIBLE.

I have a child who is challenging. And then half of the time he's really challenging, and about five percent of the time he's oh-my-gosh-I'm-going-to-tear-my-hair-out-I-don't-know-how-to-parent-or-survive-this-Lord-help-me-breathe challenging. Right now is one of those moments. Ok, that's probably exaggeration. Maybe it's just a "really" challenging one, but in the thick of it, even those plain old challenging ones have a desperate quality to them.

My selfishness comes in not wanting to give him a hug. (gasp!) Not hug him. As a lesson, that you don't get to say unkind things and then expect that it doesn't effect others. As payback, for saying unkind things, or things you don't mean just to hurt someone (me). And, because who wants to hug someone that just said something mean to you?

Yes, I am the adult; he is the child. At least technically. But should I "reward" unacceptable behavior with a hug? No. Is a hug a "reward"? uh.... Probably not. Should I offer grace and forgiveness? Yes. Should I love him even when he's "unloveable"? I'm going to step out of my selfish shoes and say, yes, especially then. But those other thoughts are still swirling around in my head. Giving him a hug is not topping the list of things I "want" to do right now.

And so he's blubbering away. Causing a real commotion, keeping siblings awake, spurring them to beg forgiveness and mercy on his part. I am unmoved. He comes downstairs, following me. I try to talk to him about it. Try to reason, to help him see, to understand, to empathize with others. To apologize and mean it. He doesn't, clearly. He says it again. And then is upset when I, again, state that I won't give him a hug, good night go to bed.

Yes, it's true. I'm a mean, awful mom not worthy of the title.

Sometimes this job sucks. It's very pushy-pully with the flesh, and working one's "kinks" out. MY kinks. Ugh.

I text a friend. Sure she'll back me in my unloving behavior. She doesn't. Whaaaa????

Damn. I really am being "the worst mom ever."

sigh.

sigh again.

He stands here. Crying. Complaining. That he's cold. That his feet are getting tired. So would I just give him a hug already?

But you don't like me. Why don't you go get a hug from someone you like?

Because I want one from you.

But I don't want to hug you after you say mean things to me. 

We argue like this for a while.

Finally, I suck it up. And give him the lamest, most half-assed hug ever.

It is enough for him and he goes to bed. Satisfied.

Satisfied that he got a hug/love? Satisfied that he won? Satisfied that his nightly routine was completed? What?

I can't let it go. I feel defeated. frustrated. angry.

What did I just teach him? Anything? Selfishness? That words hurt? That there are consequences? That we need to think about what we say or do? That if he just pesters mom she'll eventually give in? That I really am mean?

UGH!

I think I've just proved to the world how completely imperfect and awful I am. I'm sure you feel much better about your own mothering or humanism. You're welcome. 

Join me tomorrow for another installment of encouragement in the form of "at least I don't suck as much as that mom." (Oh, you know you have those thoughts sometimes. It's ok. Go ahead and admit it. I won't tell. ;) 

Truth: parenting is hard.

Another truth: it really pushes you as a person and forces you to grow, uncomfortably. Much like marriage. *cough cough*

Point to consider before becoming a parent: If you like being comfortable, stable, and not pushed, do NOT become a parent.

Another point to consider: there is no such thing as a supermom, as a perfect parent, as this idyllic mom who does everything well (or at all) all the time. No one can juggle that many balls, or have all the answers, and never have one fall, or make a mistake, or lose your voice from yelling so much cool. Seriously. It's a fantasy. A fallacy. NOT REALITY. And no one likes the mom who pretends she is that. Because it's a tough standard by which to compare oneself and no one likes to feel inferior. Personally, I all for transparency. So just lay it all out there for the world to see, scabs, bruises and all. And hopefully no one will call Child Protective Services on you. :D

Whooooaaaaa!

WHOA! I just looked at my blog, and boy, my posting habits last year were pathetic. Eleven for the whole year. That's awful.

I guess it's a indicator of 1. life is busy, 2. sometimes life is hard to blog about, and 3. well... it's a continuation of the life being hard bit but more like, you're worn out from all that busy hard stuff, to talk about all the awesome fun stuff that goes on. You feel like saying "Whoa! Slow down. I need a break." And some wine. Lots and lots of wine.

Right now, we are knee deep in dance stuff and it's about to get even busier. Both girls are in dance again, plus Koko is in competition dance this year. I should tell you I, just tonight, put faux hair pieces and fake eyelashes on my daughter and it freaked me out a little. WHOA! I've never even worn fake eyelashes. Girlfriend wears them like a pro. I should not be surprised.

Hopefully we are back in the swing of going to school and can get back with some kind of steady rhythm. I feel like we've just had one big "vacation" since Christmas. We've had lots of "snow days" (due to extreme cold temps and wind chills mostly - big whoa for the weather), plus last week they had two days off for end of semester. All equaling 6 days in a row at home, stuck in the house because of bad weather. I was MORE than happy to send them off today, even if it was two hours late. Only to dive into a day of errands, which included getting a spur of the moment (and FREE!!!) biofeedback testing, and subsequent supplement and diet regimen. I got home late this evening and realized, whoa! No dairy? No (non-sprouted) grain? FOR A MONTH?? WHOOOOOAAAA! How did I get signed up for that?? (I'm seriously considering having some oreo's right now and dealing with that all tomorrow. No?)

I had a pretty tough summer with the kids. We were not able to plan any vacation getaways so instead I tried to get the kids involved in some activities: tae kwon do, swimming lessons, dance classes, etc. combined with a few trips to a water park. What it did was made for a lot of driving. Fun, but there were some pretty rough moments in the car, as I have at least one kiddo who doesn't do that kind of confinement well. Combine that with some serious parenting challenges (especially from said kid), and this mama ended up on Zoloft. It's a funny thing about depression. No one wants it. But once you are willing to acknowledge it and get some treatment? Boy! So. Much. Better! I wasn't suffering from anything severe, but just like the life was zapped out of me, and the word "overwhelming" surfaced a lot. That and I was VERY irritable. As I described it to my doc, now I "just feel more even." In looking back, I've probably needed some help for a few years. Better late than never, I guess. I think hormones and aging also play a part in it, in addition to stress etc. (I turned FORTY this year! Whoop whoop! Oh, and that's Fabulous Forty, thankyouverymuch.) And my doc isn't one to want meds long term. She says 6 months, I'm thinking a year. We'll see. I am just now feeling like I'm recovering from last summer, and I don't want to wean from medication just to dive into the most challenging part of the year for me. Maybe next January. :D

Part of our parenting challenges have been in addressing some ADHD. One with the AD and another with the H and AD. My beloved eldest son has long struggled in school, and this year, in fourth grade, the challenges became undeniable as the ever widening gap became stark. It's a tough thing to "want" to put your kid on amphetamines, (because WHOA, first thing I read online was about recreational use of his med) but his response has been positive and clearly it was needed. His teacher has been very good at communicating with us. Thankful for great teachers. Now I just need to deal with the other child's issues, which will be the most time and energy consuming. But hey, it already is. :P 

My little Huggyface is getting so big. He's not a baby anymore. He's a big boy. Trust me. He'll tell you quite adamantly. But it's like, whoa. Slow down, little buddy. Mommy (daddy too) isn't ready for you to grow up so fast. Daddy keeps trying to convince him he doesn't need to speak in full sentences yet, or with such a wide vocabulary. It's not working. Just this evening, after I put the fake lashes on his sister, he said, "Oh, she's so adorable." haha. Really?  sigh.  Too funny. He's also quite the talker and will tell you some amazing tales. 

He also shared his first joke this morning. Wanna hear it?

Ready?

Now remember. He's 3.

Why was the kitty in the road?

Chicken butt!!!

Ahhhhh. I love it. I laughed. Pretty amazing for a 3-year-old to get the concept of a joke, and humor. And he also got the "why did the chicken cross the road" concept in there. Whatever. He is a guaranteed source of amusement.

And my little Cheeks, who isn't so little anymore, will be SEVEN! in a couple hours. Not sure what the plan is for her birthday. I don't think daddy will be home either (boo work, but blame the weather). A friend party is in the works but that will be a couple weeks off due to scheduling issues. As in, a FULL schedule. 

Boy. Time is flying by. Kids are growing so much. I miss having babies, but I am discovering how to enjoy this older age a little more. They're easy kids to love. Hopefully I'll be blogging all about them more this year. I guess, time will tell.